Second Life

"Empty Nest" May Be Harder on Dads

Mary and I just finished a lovely breakfast at the Manayunk Diner where we were talking about "empty nests" and our two college freshman daughters. "You know," she said, "we can't forget about the Dads. It's a big change for them, too, and a lot of times they aren't ready for it the way that women are." As usual, Mary had something there, as I found with a little research.

First, check out this article from the American Psychological Association, which notes that women are generally better prepared for the empty nest--in fact, more likely to look forward to it--while men are harder hit and with fewer skills for coping. (You'll be happy to know that contrary to popular myth, many marriages actually improve once the kids hit the road as there's more time to focus on yourselves and greater freedom to pursue your interests). Then Forbes has some suggestions in their August issue for men who need to make the adjustment. 

As for women, the overall guidance is to start looking at the time when kids head off to live their own lives as a new opportunity for you. This is great advice regardless of gender.

Michele

Connection Thursday--How Do You Stay Connected with a 14 Year Old?

My 14-year old daughter, Ali, is getting on my last nerve. Seriously. I love her dearly, but if she does that combination disdainful sigh/head toss thing one more time, I may have to throw her out the window.  Also on my list of most annoying behaviors ever is the "God, Mom . . . " followed by a reiteration of whatever stupid thing I've said or done to piss her off this time, as well as the eye roll and the sneer.

In a way I was ready for this, having been through the drill 4 years ago with her sister. But in some ways I wasn't, because Ali has always been my sweet-tempered, easy-going child. Maybe the fact that her sister isn't here to be the bitchy one has given Ali a license to annoy that she's been waiting for. Or maybe it's just the age. I don't know. Regardless, it's making me crazy.

When I went through this with Jess, I was also in the middle of divorcing her father, so there was added drama and angst. I will admit that what we're dealing with now is much less than what we went through before. But in a way it's more painful to feel this disconnection from Ali because she's always been the snuggler, the connector and now she clearly wants nothing to do with me.

A wise friend of mine told me that the way to survive these years is to just keep thinking to yourself, "I don't have to get along with her now. I just have to stay connected enough so that we have something to build on when she starts to emerge from this stage." True, but difficult at times. It's hard to be around someone who finds your very existence a painful embarrasment and who snaps at virtually every word out of your mouth. Yes, it's normal for her to be breaking away from her mother, but does this really mean she has to break her mother in the process? The nastiness of this age can really be disturbing.

When I was 14, I had to hear a lot about my "tone" and my "expressions" and I swore I would never harp on that with my own daughters. But what I find is that it's one of their favorite passive aggressive acts, to use tone and facial expression, because it's so easy to then deny that they've done anything. "What? I didn't SAY anything."

I'm trying to maintain a Zen-like calm, focusing on keeping her comments and tone relatively in check while not taking any of it personally. When she starts up I let her know that I don't like it and then stay quiet to avoid additional jabs.

My husband and I were talking about the situation earlier in the week and what I realized is that in some ways I'm less worried about her disconnection from me and more worried about what happens when I disconnect from her as a form of self-preservation. I have a long history of emotionally cutting people out of my life when I've had enough of their barbs and so it's a delicate balancing act for me to maintain the connection enough to be able to stay in touch with her, while still being able to protect myself.

Daughters know exactly where to hit you, your most painful spots, and it's a challenge to both protect yourself and remain open to when they're going to stop "beating up on you." It sometimes feels like I'm a boxer who still has to be prepared for when her opponent decides she wants to be friends. Frankly, it's a form of emotional whiplash I find hard to sustain at times.

Connection to the people I love is really important to me and I understand that this is a time-limited thing. I survived it before and now have a great relationship with Jess, so I know I'll survive it again.

In the meantime, does anyone want a 14-year old girl?

Michele

(Photo of me and Ali when she was 13 and I wasn't so stupid and embarrassing)

Are You a PermaParent?

Although a few years old, this article from Psychology Today on the "PermaParent Trap" still seems pretty timely to me. 

Apparently Baby Boomers are more likely than previous generations to welcome back their offspring with open arms, even well into their 30's and with spouses and children. According to the article,  adult children returning to the nest extracts a toll:

"Permaparents suffer potential financial and emotional repercussions. The empty-nest years are a crucial time for adults to bone up for retirement, rather than pay off their child's credit cards or feed another mouth. Keeping the kids also prevents couples from reconfiguring their lives in a post-parenting marriage, when, historically, many marriages break up. When marriages do end in divorce, or when one spouse dies, parents may be especially inclined to reconnect with their adult kids. . .

. . . many psychologists believe the post-parenting period is one in which people have the opportunity to reconfigure their identities—to relocate, downshift or change a career, become more involved in the community, take continuing education courses or learn new creative skills."

I think there's a lot of truth to this and wonder what we can do to find the balance between being loving, supportive parents and letting go so that we and our children can move on with our lives. It seems that we should be looking at our Second Life as an opportunity for our own growth rather than as a continuation of our First Life.

Michele

UPDATE--Saw this more recent article in an Atlantic City paper on how many parents see the empty nest as a reason to celebrate.