My 14-year old daughter, Ali, is getting on my last nerve. Seriously. I love her dearly, but if she does that combination disdainful sigh/head toss thing one more time, I may have to throw her out the window. Also on my list of most annoying behaviors ever is the "God, Mom . . . " followed by a reiteration of whatever stupid thing I've said or done to piss her off this time, as well as the eye roll and the sneer.
In a way I was ready for this, having been through the drill 4 years ago with her sister. But in some ways I wasn't, because Ali has always been my sweet-tempered, easy-going child. Maybe the fact that her sister isn't here to be the bitchy one has given Ali a license to annoy that she's been waiting for. Or maybe it's just the age. I don't know. Regardless, it's making me crazy.
When I went through this with Jess, I was also in the middle of divorcing her father, so there was added drama and angst. I will admit that what we're dealing with now is much less than what we went through before. But in a way it's more painful to feel this disconnection from Ali because she's always been the snuggler, the connector and now she clearly wants nothing to do with me.
A wise friend of mine told me that the way to survive these years is to just keep thinking to yourself, "I don't have to get along with her now. I just have to stay connected enough so that we have something to build on when she starts to emerge from this stage." True, but difficult at times. It's hard to be around someone who finds your very existence a painful embarrasment and who snaps at virtually every word out of your mouth. Yes, it's normal for her to be breaking away from her mother, but does this really mean she has to break her mother in the process? The nastiness of this age can really be disturbing.
When I was 14, I had to hear a lot about my "tone" and my "expressions" and I swore I would never harp on that with my own daughters. But what I find is that it's one of their favorite passive aggressive acts, to use tone and facial expression, because it's so easy to then deny that they've done anything. "What? I didn't SAY anything."
I'm trying to maintain a Zen-like calm, focusing on keeping her
comments and tone relatively in check while not taking any of it
personally. When she starts up I let her know that I don't like it and then stay quiet to avoid additional jabs.
My husband and I were talking about the situation earlier in the week and what I realized is that in some ways I'm less worried about her disconnection from me and more worried about what happens when I disconnect from her as a form of self-preservation. I have a long history of emotionally cutting people out of my life when I've had enough of their barbs and so it's a delicate balancing act for me to maintain the connection enough to be able to stay in touch with her, while still being able to protect myself.
Daughters know exactly where to hit you, your most painful spots, and it's a challenge to both protect yourself and remain open to when they're going to stop "beating up on you." It sometimes feels like I'm a boxer who still has to be prepared for when her opponent decides she wants to be friends. Frankly, it's a form of emotional whiplash I find hard to sustain at times.
Connection to the people I love is really important to me and I understand that this is a time-limited thing. I survived it before and now have a great relationship with Jess, so I know I'll survive it again.
In the meantime, does anyone want a 14-year old girl?
Michele
(Photo of me and Ali when she was 13 and I wasn't so stupid and embarrassing)