Since my first wedding anniversary is tomorrow, please indulge me in a few thoughts on second marriages. Mine in particular.
The first time I got married, we spent a lot of time worrying about the wedding. We had over 100 people coming. We were concerned about where everyone would sit, would there be enough alcohol (I was a year out of college--drinking was more important then), what would I wear. The usual stuff. We also had a lot of "mother-in-law" tension because while my family was out of the picture, my soon-to-be husband's mother was painfully involved. I won't bore you with the details, but I seriously reconsidered the marriage on several occasions because of her.
My point here is that the first time around, all we really did was think about the wedding. We thought we had the whole "marriage" thing under control because we'd been together for 5 years already and we thought we pretty much knew what we were getting into. Turns out we were wrong.
Fast forward 19 years to the second wedding. While we spent a lot of time on planning the wedding, we were MUCH more focused on being married. Yes, we were living together, but we also knew that the wedding is the easy part. It's the marriage that can be the killer. So we spent hours and hours talking about what we thought a marriage should be. We considered the influence that our own parent's marriages had on us and how that shaped our unspoken and unrecognized beliefs about the roles we should play in our own marriage.
As we planned our ceremony, we focused on including readings and elements that focused on the marriage and on the joys and challenges of building a life together. I know we got that right because after the wedding, several of our (married) friends told us that our wedding was the only one they'd been to that played up the marriage and the journey, rather than the wedding itself.
So tomorrow we'll have been married for a year and I have to say that this time around I'm far more connected to Darvin than I was to my first husband. Part of this is, of course, that he's a different person. But the other reason for it is that we pay more attention to the state of our relationship and what we need to do to keep our connection alive. It's easier when we don't have children around us all the time, no doubt. But I think it's also a function of who we are as a couple. We are much more aware of how easily a marriage can slip away from you under the daily grind of work, friends and family. We realize that the gift of intimacy with another person is a precious one, but that it's also a hard one to maintain. We see how you have to work at your marriage and so we try to do that every day. Sometimes that can be hard to do.
Lately we've been going around about a few things and I find myself thinking "Maybe I shouldn't have gotten married again. Maybe I don't really know how to do marriage and I should just be alone with my cat and my computer." In my heart, I know that those thoughts are just my way of dealing with the inevitable conflict and rubbing against each other that occurs in any marriage. But, DAMN, it can be annoying sometimes.
Then we have times like last night when Darvin took me to see a play downtown. It was a good play, something I wouldn't have chosen on my own. And I thought about how glad I am to have this man in my life who brings me new experiences--along with Ben and Jerry's "Half-Baked" when we got home. I love this man who wraps himself around me every night and who tries to hold me in bed with him to cuddle in the morning. This man who understands my heart sometimes more than I know it myself.
So in honor of our anniversary, I'm going to leave you with two things. The first is a reading from our wedding that I love for how it gets that marriage is not some hearts and doves kind of thing, but the bringing together of two flawed people who try to make the best of themselves together:
“I
love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I
love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are
making of me. I love you, for the part of me that you bring out. I love you,
for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart, and passing over all the
foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, and for drawing
out, into the light, all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked
quite far enough to find. I love you, because you are helping me to make of the
lumber of my life, not a tavern, but a temple. Out of the works of my every
day, not a reproach, but a song. I love you, because you have done more than
any creed could have done to make me good, and more than any fate could have
done to make me happy. You have done it without a touch, without a word,
without a sign. You have done it by being yourself.
I love those parts about putting your hand into my "heaped-up heart," and making "of the lumber of my life not a tavern, but a temple." Believe me, I had the tavern half built when Darvin came along.
The second piece I'll share are our vows--as much a reminder to me of why we're doing this as anything I can think of:
Darvin: You have
taught me so much about love and truth
You have helped me become a real man, in mind, body, and spirit
I come today to give you my love, my heart and my strength
I promise to cherish and protect you,
I promise to work with you to build a sacred union of body, mind, and
spirit.
You have taught me how to be a Warrior, King, Lover and Magician
As your husband I offer you all these things in love and trust,
ame além de
morte (love beyond death)
Michele: Darvin, from the moment you used a black
marker to write “courage” on my arm, girding me for battle with my own fears, I
have been yours. You’ve seen through to the heart of me, past the woman I’ve
become to the little girl I was, healing my hurts and helping me to know parts
of myself I’d long forgotten. With your love and support, I grow each day,
challenged to become a better partner and a better person. I come to you today
with a heart filled with love and joy, but also humility and thankfulness for
having this chance for a life with you.
As your wife, I will
give you my love and trust, my heart and soul. I promise to honor our marriage
and the commitment I’m making to you today. I promise to protect the secrets of
your heart and to share with you the secrets of mine. I promise to give you the
best of who I am, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically and to work
every day at creating a marriage that fulfills and sustains us. Most of all,
Darvin, I promise to love you.
P.S.--A note on the family photo. We were so proud of our kids that day, particularly mine. While my girls had been VERY unhappy at their father's wedding several months before, they were wonderful at ours. We included all three kids in the ceremony--they "stood up for us" and we started with lighting a family unity candle with the five of us. I think that it made our wedding even more special because we saw how it was bigger than just the two of us. That our marriage was bringing together not just us, but our children. It was really even more beautiful than I could have imagined.
Michele