I'd lost track of Patti's blog, hadn't visited it in awhile as it somehow got lost in the mass of bookmarks on my computer. Today she wrote about becoming you, quoting Agatha Christie:
”As life goes on it becomes tiring to keep up the character you invented for yourself, and so you relapse into individuality and become more like yourself every day. This is sometimes disconcerting for those around you, but a great relief to the person concerned.” -Agatha Christie
My mask began to crack a few years ago when, in the midst of a soul-crushing depression only partially alleviated by medication, and the break-up of my first marriage, I began to really question who I'd become. Like most women I know, I'd tried to become good wife, good mother, good worker without being totally clear about what those masks meant.
In the midst of that time, I was working with a non-profit group, long-term clients with whom I'd forged a strong relationship. I was invited to work with several staff members, mostly women, during one of their conferences. We were working on how to help clients learn more about themselves in order to develop their career plans so we were working on creating collages of ourselves as we existed at that moment in time.
I had the group bring magazine and personal photos, bits of fabric and paper that connected them to some part of their lives. We sat at a large conference table and worked quietly, snipping out words, carefully shearing away extranous pieces of the picture to capture the essence of who we were. Then we shared what we'd created, each woman talking about her own journey to that moment and what she was feeling about moving forward.
It was an incredible experience. Many of us cried (I was one of them) and for the first time I began to see that behind who I thought I was lurked a more real me than I'd ever known. The mask had slipped and I couldn't put it back on.
I thought of that today, reading Patti's words. I wondered how many other women are wearing a mask that needs to be removed to let them finally know and be who they really are. At times it's been hard. I keep wanting to put the mask back on to make other people feel more comfortable. But what I realize is that while it may make others feel better, it makes me feel worse. I just don't have the energy for it anymore or the ability to wear it so that no one knows it's a mask.
It's still cracking. Sometimes I pull it out and try to wear it to be more socially acceptable. But increasingly I find that it doesn't fit and that I can't do it, so I've been putting it aside, trying to enjoy the face behind the mask. It's a process I realize and I hope someday to be the crochety old woman who really doesn't care what people think. What freedom there will be in that!
So what about you? What about your masks? Are you still wearing them? Or have they begun to crumble as you move into your Second Life?
Michele
Photo via flickr.
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